Solace
by Matril
Summary: Lizzie Bennet Diaries. Lydia and Lizzie teach each other, in turn, what it really means to be brave. Two-part story.
1. Chapter 1

The night after Jane left for New York, Lizzie was in the bathroom, brushing her teeth, when she heard Lydia crying in her bedroom.

So she rinsed her mouth in a hurry, left the bathroom and went to Lydia's door. Still, she hesitated before knocking. Too often lately, she was afraid that whatever she did or said would just make everything worse. But Lydia had specifically said she didn't want to be alone. And if nothing else, Lizzie could hug her and silently let her know she cared.

She knocked, then gently pushed the door open. Lydia was huddled up in the corner on her bed, red-eyed and sniffling. When she saw Lizzie she hurriedly wiped her face before giving up and saying, "Well, come in," with a shaky, humorless laugh.

Lizzie joined her on the bed. For a while she just held Lydia without saying anything. After her sobs had subsided somewhat, Lydia was the one who spoke first. "Aren't you going to ask what's the matter? Or is it obvious?"

"You can tell me if you want. But only if you want."

"You might think –" Lydia's voice caught and she shook her head. "It's horrible. You'll think I'm horrible."

"Never." If Lydia was feeling what Lizzie suspected – envy for Jane's happiness with Bing – then she wasn't the only one. Nor was she the only one feeling guilty about it.

"Okay." Lydia took a long shuddering breath. "So. I'm really happy for Jane. I'm not jealous – well, not too jealous. But I couldn't help thinking. When we watched that video. Jane said that if Bing asked her to stay, she couldn't. It was too much to ask of her." Her face tightened. "I would have. If G-George had asked me. I would have gone to the other side of the world for him."

Lizzie held Lydia tighter.

"And worse…worse than that." Lydia swallowed and swiped angrily at her tears. "For a second, just one second, I thought, _I guess she doesn't love Bing as much as I loved George_."

Wordlessly, Lizzie brushed Lydia's bedraggled hair away from her face.

"Well?" Lydia said, her voice hollow. "It's horrible, right?"

"It's not."

"Yes it is. Like I thought I was better than her!" Lydia pushed on, furious, and Lizzie let her even though she had to admit her intensity was a little scary. "Jane's the smart one. She's the one with her own life. The one who doesn't let her whole world get taken over by a guy."

"No, Lydia," Lizzie finally put in, quiet but firm. "It doesn't work that way. It's not like one of you is better at relationships. You can't compare experiences. I mean, I don't blame you for comparing; I've done it myself…in the past," she added lamely, knowing her own feelings were probably transparent no matter how she tried to hide them. "But Jane, she's coming from a different place. She's cautious because things fell apart with Bing before. She has a right to want to take things slowly this time."

"Yeah," Lydia sniffled, "and Bing's not – not like him. So she has that going for her."

"Oh, Lydia." Lizzie reached for the box of tissues on Lydia's desk and offered it to her. "That's not because Jane did anything to deserve it. Or because you failed to do something, or anything like that. You took a chance. Jane's taking a chance too. Even taking it slow, there's still a risk. Anytime you make yourself vulnerable for someone, it's a risk. A leap of faith."

"Yeah, I took that leap. Then I crashed and burned."

"But if you never take that leap at all, for anyone, what's the alternative?" Lizzie squeezed Lydia's shoulders. "You know what I think, Lydia? I think you were incredibly brave."

Lydia snorted. "You're kidding, right?"

"Not at all. You took a chance. It's not your fault it was for someone who didn't honor your bravery. Because you had that courage, and somewhere inside you _still_ have that courage. Someday you'll be able to take the leap again with someone who deserves it." She pulled back a little and gave Lydia a smile of encouragement. "But take all the time you need. There's also nothing wrong with wanting to be safe for a while."

Lydia leaned her head on Lizzie's shoulder. "Yeah. Thanks for….you know, everything."

"It's my job. _And_ my pleasure."

"Dork."

"I've started taking that as a compliment, you know."

She hung out in Lydia's room for another hour or so as they talked about lighter things, then finally said good-night and headed to bed once Lydia started drifting off to sleep mid-sentence.

Lizzie didn't fall asleep herself for a while. Because the more she thought about what she had said to Lydia about taking risks and leaps of faith, the more she had to admit the truth about herself.

She was a coward.


	2. Chapter 2

The evening before Lizzie's birthday, Lydia found her sitting on the front porch, staring off into the distance. It was a sign of just how depressed Lizzie was that she didn't even try to hide the newsie cap she was holding when Lydia sat down beside her.

"Hey."

"Hi."

After a long pause Lydia said, "Still haven't heard from him?"

"No."

"That sucks."

"Yeah."

And if this were one of those dumb rom-coms, this would be the moment to say that all men were slime, or he didn't deserve her, and who needed him anyway? But this wasn't a movie. In movies, when girls had guys treat them like crap they cried for one stupid sad-music montage, and then they shrugged it off and went happily on like it had never happened.

In movies, they never seemed to realize what it meant if all men were slime and didn't deserve those girls. It meant that the girls were idiots who kept falling for jerks. It meant that everything they felt when they were in love, that terrifying awful wonderful feeling, was wrong. Pointless. Poisonous.

But Lydia knew better. She knew that Lizzie didn't need a Darcy-bashing session. She just didn't know what to say instead. For a while, she kept her mouth shut and let Lizzie rest her head on her shoulder. It wasn't until she felt Lizzie make a shuddering, jerky movement that Lydia realized she was crying.

Then, suddenly, Lydia knew what to say. "You were totes brave."

"Huh?" Lizzie lifted her head, rubbing her eyes.

"Brave. You know, leaps of faith and all that."

Lizzie let out a half-laugh, half-sniffle. "I made a phone call."

"Yeah. And it was awesome."

"No, it was awkward and pathetic."

"That doesn't mean it wasn't awesome and brave and stuff. Maybe it's even more awesome. 'Cause you were scared but you did it anyway."

Lizzie turned the newsie hat around in her hands, staring at it. "And then I crashed and burned," she said in a low voice.

Even though it wasn't even close to the same thing, Lydia understood her almost too well. For a second all the horrible pain came back as if it were brand new, as if she were staring at that website on her phone while the realization sank in, deeper and sharper and crueler with every moment – and then it faded. Still bad but getting more bearable, a cut that was finally starting to scab over.

"Well," Lydia said, "it beats the alternative, right?"

Lizzie managed a tiny smile.

Lydia gave her arm a nudge. "You wanna get some ice cream?"

"Are you suggesting I eat my feelings?" Lizzie said, looking at her sideways. "Because I am totally up for that."

Lydia giggled. "Awesome." She stood and held out her hand to Lizzie, helping her to her feet.

"You know, I really won the jackpot when it comes to sisters," Lizzie said as they went inside.

"Yeah. Me too."


End file.
